Regardless
by NothingToGein
Summary: Takes place a few months after SPIN. Now that Jillian and Jake are together, can they work through the hard road facing them? If given the chance, would Peyton and Jake get back together?
1. Time Goes By As the Day Moves Slow

**Disclaimer**: Anything you don't recognize from the show is mine… everything else… I wish!

**Note: **I thought it would be cute to do another one of my favorite songs as the titles for the chapters.. this time I picked a Greenwheel song that has always touched me because it reminds me of all the things in my life that have changed but made me change for the better. It's called, as the title of the story already explains, Regardless.

Regardless takes place tentatively two months after Spin

I'm starting out slow, so the first few chapters are going to be pretty short. Comment Please!

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**Time Goes By as the Day Moves Slow**

She woke with his breath on her neck.

She smiled contently, turning to face him. His arm still draped over her waist, he stirred a little but did not wake up.

"Jake." Jilly whispered into his ear. Still he did not move.

Jillian gently tugged on Jake's earlobe with her teeth, kissing him. A smile appeared on his face.

"A guy should be so lucky to wake up like that everyday." He pulled her closer.

"You need to go back to your room before anyone notices that you're not in there." Jake made no attempts to move. "I don't want your parents to think we were doing anything last night."

"They know that you didn't get pregnant by Immaculate Conception." She couldn't help but laugh. Only Jake could use big words while half asleep.

"But they don't know we are together. And I care about what they think."

"It's been close to two months. We should just tell them." Jillian ran her hand down Jake's arm. He kept mentioning telling his parents, more lately than usual. She wasn't ready to let the world know they were together, even if Jake was.

"It's kind of fun sneaking around, don't you think?" He nodded, though he looked like he was falling back asleep. "Though if your parents find us in here, they will not be happy with us."

"We could just tell them the truth. We haven't done anything." Jake sounded exasperated. He was a little tired of Jillian not wanting to have sex.

"I'm not ready for it right now. It's still nice to wake up in your arms." He smiled none the less.

"Sure is." He pulled her closer as he closed his eyes. "How about just five more minutes?"

Even if he didn't admit it to Jillian, though he was ready to move back into that part of their relationship, he was worried about the consequences they knew all too well could happen no matter how careful you were. He missed the closeness they had before in their relationship but it seemed that they were gaining that back, even with the absence of sex in their lives. He never thought they could be as close as they currently are without it.

He could feel Jillian lifting her head off his shoulder.

"Just another five minutes."

He really did love waking up next to her.

* * *

He woke with her breath on his neck.

He loved the way that somehow, in the course of the night, if he tossed and turned in his unrestful sleep, she would find her way back to curling up beside him before morning.

The sunlight was coming in from the window to the side of the bed. Bright and filling the room with golden rays, he could see her sleeping peacefully beside him, her blonde hair turned golden in the light.

He turned to face her. Even in her sleep she had a slight smile on her face. He moved the curls out of her face to kiss her closed eyelids.

"Hi." She opened her eyes and slowly closed them again. She was now use to waking up with Lucas by her side.

Luke stood and pulled his jeans on in one motion. He stepped into the bathroom, still shirtless, and splashed water on his face. He ran his hands over his thin hair cut, looking at himself in the mirror. Things had changed so much he barely had time to account for it all.

He pulled a Scott Repair Shop shirt on that was sitting on the edge of the bed. Taking a walkman out of his book bag, he started for Peyton's bedroom door.

"You're not trying to sneak off are you?" He looked back to see her still facing him, though her eyes were closed.

"It's not sneaking off, it's letting you get some sleep. It's still pretty early." He came closer and sat on the edge of her bed, kissing the top of her head.

"Then stay longer." She pulled on his arm.

"I'm going to go for a run so when my mom wakes up she thinks that I was got home last night and left early for a run."

"She probably thinks we are already..." She smiled at the obvious remark. "Is that the real reason you are leaving?"

"What are you worried about?" He kissed her again, but on the lips this time. "I need to help out at the Cafe, too. Haley asked for the day off."

"What's going on? She never misses a day." Peyton sat up as Luke went for the door again. "She shouldn't make you work after what happened last night."

"Not a big deal. You win some games, you lose some games."

"Yeah, sometimes the games that count big time."

"Only the championships. They will still be there next year."

"But will you?" Luke didn't bother to turn around to look at Peyton. He knew how she felt; she was worried about him more than anyone else was.

"I already got one woman telling me not to play, why do you have to go and make it two?" He dropped his head and sighed.

"I'm sorry that I care about you. I don't want you to hurt yourself."

He could hear in her voice how much she cared for him. Every time he looked in her eyes, he could see it. Her kiss revealed so much that she cared about him. It made him feel almost happy.

He moved away from the door and laid back down on the bed, holding her. She closed her eyes and let him snuggle with her, his nose against her cheek. Nothing else needed to be said.

Peyton's thoughts of all the bad things that could happen slowly left her consciousness. She thought only of the two of them in this moment, at this time, and how much it meant to both of them to hold each other in the early morning sunlight, without needing words to end what they termed one of their "civil arguments".

Luke's uneasiness he felt when people mentioned of his fading basketball career washed away just as Peyton's thoughts did. He didn't even think about the accident, the arguments that ensued after the fact, or about how much it hurt him to not be able to get back into the game. All that entered his mind was how much he found himself loving Peyton, although he could never tell her so.

He loved waking up next to her.


	2. High Hopes I Have

**Disclaimer**: Anything you don't recognize from the show is mine… everything else… I wish!

**Notes**: Thanks for commenting.. I'm starting out a little slow because I have a lot of work to do for school. I'm trying to write as much as possible.. anyway, the first couple of chapters are not going to be so angsty or anything so please bear with me! I have to set up some stuff.

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**High Hopes I Have**

When Jillian opened her eyes, all that was in her room was a bright light, blinding her. Unable to concentrate on anything, Jillian's head was pounding in the illumination, to the point that she was unable to see two feet in front of her. Jillian crawled to the stairs only to find that the front windows of the living room were open.

_Not again_, Jillian thought.

The only thing that was running through her mind was to find relief from the pain. The only problem was that she had to keep the antidote in a cabinet in the kitchen for fear that Jenny might get a hold of it and potentially hurt herself.

She had gone back to sleep once she was finished helping with breakfast. Jenny was spending the day with her grandparents and Jillian had planned the day out for her and Jake. Once his parents left, Jake had kissed her goodbye and joined Lucas for a run. Alone, she wanted more sleep because she felt a small headache coming on, not the paralyzing migraine that she was suffering from now.

The only thought that raced through her mind was to keep steady so that she didn't topple down the stairs on her descent to the kitchen. Not only was the light adding to her throbbing pain, all the little sounds- the children playing out in the street, someone on roller-blades, the sound of their skates over the cracks in the pavement- they all intensified.

The nausea caught up with her, finally, as she stood from the stairs and rushed towards the kitchen. Jillian grabbed her stomach, hoping that the pain would hold off until she reached a sink to bring up her breakfast in. She reached into the cabinet with recklessness, not caring if she spilled the entire contents of the cabinet.

All of her willpower was concentrated on finding her salvation. She found the bottle on top of the counter along with other various pill bottles, and out of habit, she shook the pill bottle to hear its contents rattling inside.

Except there was no rattle.

After hearing the discerning quiet from inside the bottle, Jillian started to think. She knew that this pain would last until someone found her here on the floor. She knew because her mother, as punishment for something trivial, would keep her medication away from her when a migraine approached.

She stood, determined to beat the pain, and started for the door. A small table sat next to the front door, containing keys to Jake's car and his sunglasses. She took both, placing his glasses over her eyes before opening the front door. She stumbled onto the porch while Jake and Lucas were heading up the walk.

"What's wrong?"

"My... head..." Jillian was pointing frantically at her head. Jake walked briskly up the steps and swooped Jillian off her feet. "I'm... out of pills."

"What were you going to do, go to the store to pick some up?" He took the keys out of her hand as they walked into the house, Lucas following them. "Luke, can you go to the drugstore?"

"Sure, what's wrong? Want me to pick up Excedrin?"

"No, I'm allergic." She grabbed at her head as Jake placed her on the sofa and closed the thick drapes.

"She is allergic to aspirin. Pick up some Advil and Caffeine pills." He sat on the edge of the couch, soothing Jillian and cradling her face.

Lucas ran down the steps of the porch and ran all the way down the street to the closest drugstore, which was not that far from their house. He returned quickly with both items in a bag and immediately Jillian downed two Advil and two caffeine pills.

Jake and Lucas walked outside onto the porch, leaving only the screen door closed so that they could hear if she called. Jake tossed Lucas a water bottle as they sat in silence for a moment.

"Thanks, man. She doesn't always know when one is coming on and her script probably ran out."

"No problem. What exactly happened?"

"Jilly's been getting migraines since she was about twelve. Mostly she use to get them when she was really stressed out but for the last year or so she gets them all the time. I felt so bad for her while she was pregnant. She couldn't take any pills either."

Lucas never could imagine Jillian pregnant and even with a visual, still had a hard time comprehending it. He finally was comfortable around her again, since she broke his heart, but he could never remember her talking about it or seeing it for himself that she had terrible migraines.

"She never told me about them."

"She doesn't like to tell people. She thinks it makes her weak." They sat in silence for a few moments.

"I better get back home. Hales got the day off and my mom needs some help around the Cafe."

"Give me a call if you need me to work." He pointed at the door. "Looks like our plans for the day are shot." Lucas was unaware of Jake and Jilly's reunion and he wasn't about to fill him in without prior approval from Jillian.

Lucas offered his hand, which Jake shook. "See you later, man."

Jake reentered through the front door. He could see Jillian holding her eyes shut tightly, trying to keep the light from her eyes. He knew that her room was brightly lit with sunlight because of the side of the house her window faced, but he knew his room would be darker, with only one window and dark blue curtains covering it. He picked her up off the couch and carried her up the stairs.

He placed her on his bed and just as she could feel the softness of the mattress, she curled up into the fetal position. He laid down next to her, pulling her close to him and closed his eyes. Jake knew that the medication was starting to affect her migraine. He hummed the song that he wrote for her and he could feel her breathing start to be regular as she reached sleep.

* * *

"You look like you just woke up." Peyton took Jilly by the arm as they walked down the sidewalk next to the white picket fence in front of Peyton's house.

"Yeah, I took a nap because I wasn't feeling well." Peyton didn't know about her migraines either.

"I just figured you didn't get enough sleep last night." She bumped Jillian's hip with her own. "Jake getting a little frisky?"

Jillian laughed. "No, nothing like that."

Peyton was finally feeling okay enough to be around Jillian without it being weird. She could even joke about the switch they had with relationships with the boys. It felt good to be able to talk to Peyton about her relationship and her wanting to wait. Peyton understood and offered her a girl's shoulder that Jillian had missed since her best friend was forced away when she was still pregnant.

"Where's Jenny? You called me to take her to the beach."

"When I called you, I was getting her ready to soak up some sun and she spoke."

"Jenny talked?" Peyton lit up. She was as excited about things that Jenny did as much as Jillian was.

"She said Da Da and Jake nearly had a coronary."

"I've heard her say that before. I thought you told me that all babies do that, that they are just making vocal sounds. She doesn't know what she is saying."

Jillian just nodded as they continued walking. "What did Jake say after you told him?"

Jillian had the look of guilt on her face. Peyton could tell that she did not fill in Jake about the progression of syntax in babies; all she could do was laugh. "I didn't have the heart to break it to him! He was so excited about it."

"So where are they?"

"He took her down to the Cafe to show everyone that she can talk."

"She's a side-show baby."

"Yeah, all we have to do now is toss knifes on a board around her body."

"She's got to learn to stand still first."

"That just makes it more challenging."

Both girls laughed in unison. They had become very close as of late. Not that Brooke wasn't a big part of Peyton's life still, but they were more distant than they use to be. Peyton had a hard time relating to Brooke like she did in the past; Brooke didn't understand adult things like growing up, taking care of a baby, loving someone. Those things Peyton and Jillian shared an understanding.

They reached the Cafe and saw Jake holding Jenny up, a father with a wide smile on his face. Everyone there was clapping lightly for some accomplishment that the girls missed. Jake saw them enter and brought Jenny back down from high in the air and handed her to Jillian.

"I'm assuming you are here for our genius daughter."

"I wouldn't say genius quite yet, but I am here for my favorite girl in the whole wide world." Jillian took her from Jake, talking in baby talk.

"Don't talk to her like that! Our baby is a genius you don't want her to not be able to speak correctly because you talked to her funny."

Jillian did nothing but make a face at him, getting Peyton to laugh. Jake could do nothing but throw up his hands. Karen came out from the back and delivered some sodas, giving one to Peyton and one to Jilly, both accepting gladly.

"You got a baby genius, Jilly." Everyone laughed while Jake perked up; Jillian could do nothing but throw her hands up this time. "Where are you girls going?"

"We wanted to go get some sun at the beach and let Jenny play in the sand. We were hoping that Haley would be somewhere around here."

"Nope, haven't heard from her today. I got both the boys working today to replace her."

Both Jake and Lucas walked from behind the counter, sporting aprons and going a little twirl before grasping hands and doing a tango back behind the counter.

"Speak of the devil." Peyton was facing towards the door while Haley and Nathan entered into the Cafe. "Hey, Hales, what do you say to making it a girls day out and going to the beach with Jilly and me?"

"Nathan and I are spending the day together."

Someone from the group said "big surprise" while everyone else laughed.

"But we have some news." Nathan looked at everyone then back down at Haley who had a big smile on her face.

"We got married last night."

She held up her hand to reveal a ring. Jillian coughed on an ice cube and Peyton came to her rescue, patting on her back to try to dislodge it.

"You mean you got engaged last night and you will get married like ten years from now?" Jake piped in.

Nathan held up his left hand, showing his matching ring to confirm that they did get married the night before. Everyone else started coughing, though they definitely didn't have ice cubes caught in their throats.


	3. See Me Now

**Disclaimer**: Anything you don't recognize from the show is mine… everything else… I wish!

**Note**:� Thank you so much for commenting!� It really made my day that you guys took the time to do that.. I've had a horrible day and it looks like I won't be doing any writing till the weekend so this is it for a few days.. I've been so busy but I'm trying to make time!

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**See Me Now**

"She has to be pregnant."

Brooke declared as they exited from her car, all three with arms full. Brooke had entered the Cafe to hear all the commotion and Peyton and Jillian decided to invite her along since Haley was spending time with her husband.

"Husband! Who gets married at seventeen?" Peyton reached into the back seat and held a bouncing Jenny in her arms.

"Someone who is pregnant. Isn't that right Jillian?"

Brooke sometimes had no tact. Most of the time she didn't have tact. She had no filter of what entered her brain; everything she thought automatically came out of her mouth. As Peyton heard Brooke formulating the sentence she let her know that it was something she shouldn't have said by giving her a little kick and the look.

"Sorry." Brooke said as they were making their way down the beach to get closer to the water.

"It's not like we didn't talk about it. We talked about it a lot. But we were a lot younger then."

"So Jake asked you to marry him?"

Jillian laughed at the memory. "I think it was more of a desperate attempt to make our parents see that we wanted to be together."

"Did he have a ring?"

"He proposed while our parents were having a meeting, deciding what they should do with the baby."

"Sounds like it wasn't the moment you were waiting for."

"I wanted it to be about us, not about me being pregnant. But it still felt nice that he loved me enough to do that."

They sat on the partially packed sand, close to where the water was coming in from the waves. Peyton was holding onto Jenny as she crawled around the sand, grabbing little fist-fulls of sand and throwing them into the air, a little smile on her face, with Brooke taking pictures of the pair.

"Even if she is pregnant, Haley will soon find that even if it doesn't work out between her and Nathan, her child will still mean the world to her." Both Peyton and Brooke stopped to listen. "I can't imagine my life meaning anything without Jenny."

* * *

Nate and Haley�had left lnog before�but their news still stayed as the topic of conversation in the Cafe.

"Married." Lucas was still in disbelief.

"Yeah, no kidding. That's definitely one of those sobering thoughts."

"Married." Lucas was shaking his head. What else could he say? Being married at their age was ridiculous.

"Hey, Juliet was only 13. Weigh it." Jake went around the counter to clear a table where a couple had just left.

"Married." Lucas had the look of disgust on his face. "Married!"

"I feel like I'm the only one adding anything new to the conversation."

"Good God, Haley is my sister-in-law now."

"Think of her for a moment." Jake moved closer to Lucas so no one could overhear. "Think of who her father-in-law is." Lucas cringed. "Yeah, I have pity for her, too."

"Still, it doesn't shock you a little?"

"Surprise me, yeah, but shock; no. They are in love, Luke. Why does it shock you?"

"I guess I just never thought about it. We are too young." Jake did nothing just shrug. "You don't think we are too young?"

"Hell, I was younger than Hales and Nate when I asked Jilly to marry me."

Lucas wasn't expecting that. "When did you do that?"

"A long time ago; when we told our parents about Jenny. I knew we couldn't at the time, it was more like a promise."

Lucas poured a cup of coffee. "And what did she say?"

"No, of course. We were still together but she didn't want to marry me. Not yet is what she said."

They both remained silent while they both thought about marriage until Lucas's curiosity took hold of him again. Jillian, though she did not come right out and tell Lucas in so many words, obviously was still in love with Jake. The fair date proved that the only person Jill wanted was Jake.

Lucas didn't know if Jake had this knowledge about Jillian and it was driving him crazy not to know. He had moved onto Peyton so it was not jealously; not anymore at least. He was looking out for Jillian at the same time that he was looking out for himself. If Jake was interested in Jilly, than Luke didn't have to worry about Jake still loving Peyton.

"Is there anything going on between you guys now?"

Luke had it seem as casual as he could, while he served up muffins to a guy that looked like a painter, paint splashed all over his clothes, and taking money from another couple, leaving the Cafe.

Jake didn't know how to answer. "What do you mean?"

"You know, you and Peyton aren't together anymore- she told me the story. Do you want to get back together with Jillian?"

Jake never underestimated Luke because of how smart he was. Lucas had put him in a trap and he had to answer truthfully or he would look like an ass, and it would probably get back to Jillian and that would be hard to explain. But he found a way out; sarcasm.

"Yeah, we figure Jen's old enough, we should give her a little brother or sister." Lucas laughed, not bothering to ask again.

Jake took the conversation in his own direction to inquire about Luke and Peyton. "Speaking of, how's it going with Peyt? Serious now?"

Part of Jake wanted him to say that it wasn't serious, wanted Lucas to say that he was cheating on Peyton, that he didn't really care about her, or that he was just using her for something. Jake wanted to hear something bad from Lucas so he could have a real reason to not like him being with Peyton. He wasn't sure why he felt like this but it didn't sit easy in his own conscience.

"It's going good. For once, I feel like we are on the same page." Luke didn't want to elaborate; it was not good to give the ex boyfriend too many details.

"This is awkward." Jake said after a few moments. "How about we never talk about each other's girls ever again like that?"

"Agreed."

Luke got back to filling a try with cookies and loaf cakes, realizing with a smile on his face that Jake revealed something vital that he didn't even realize he let out. He called Jillian his girl; Lucas knew there was something going on there but did not have the proof to end his speculation.

It made Luke happy to know that they were together. No, scratch that; he was happy for them because they were happy. Jake, before seemed brooding and unsatisfied with his life now seemed like a different guy. He wasn't happy that he had to find happiness with Jillian and vice versa. Why couldn't she find it with him?

And why did it bother him so much?

* * *

"Can you say, Auntie Brooke?" Brooke was waving a teething ring in front of Jenny's face while she held her. "Now she wants to be quiet?"

"I think it'll take her awhile to master names. I think vowel sounds are as good as it gets for now."

"She's lucky she is so damn cute that it doesn't matter that she can't talk." Brooke was talking toward Jenny "Boys don't care if you have anything to say anyways."

"Don't teach her these things too early."

The three were walking down the sidewalk on Main Street, Jillian pushing the empty stroller. They were walking toward the Cafe when both Jake and Lucas emerged from the doors. Peyton walked fast ahead the girls to catch up to Lucas and give him a hello kiss. Brooke rolled her eyes and handed Jenny back to Jillian.

Jake came over to his own two girls and poked Jenny on the nose to make her giggle.

"Say Da Da again."

"She's not talking right now." Brooke said flatly as Jake was bending down to kiss Jillian, Brooke watching intently, until he realized, looking into her wide eyes, he forgot that they were not alone and people that did not know were around. He pretended he was going to kiss Jenny on the top of the head, though he knew he did not fool Brooke.

"I knew you two were together!"

Jilly looked over at her friend. "Peyton!"

"I didn't say anything."

Jillian and Jake both looked confused. "Who told you we were together Brooke?"

Brooke smiled. "You just did, right now."

Everyone laughed. "I'm not saying anything more."

"Ba Ba Ba Ba" Jenny piped in since nobody else was adding to the conversation. Jake took Jenny out of Jillian's arms and raised her above his head.

"That's my girl."

Though Peyton and Lucas, standing holding hands was blocking most of her view of the street beyond them, she saw someone walking in the other direction that looked familiar, though she could not place it right away. She was a little shorter than the pair so to see over their shoulders that were side by side, Jillian stood on the tips of her toes and peered down the street.

A smile appeared on her face. "Denny!"

The mystery man turned around, just as the group turned to see who Jillian was yelling at. He smiled as well, seeing who was calling him. He started to walk towards them until Jillian broke out in a run and jumped into the arms of this stranger. They walked back together, the sounds of them both saying they look the same and how long it had been since they saw each other last.

"Everyone this is Denny. He's my younger older brother. He acts like he is five."

"Do not!"

"I didn't know you had a brother. Brooke Davis." She winked at him. He was her usual type; dark hair, tall, muscular, and rich. But unlike her usual type, he was intelligent and a kind person. He dressed in a manor that made his rich parents happy; he looked dignified and much older than he was. He looked like a business man getting ready to go down to the country club.

"He's like a brother. His mother was just as religious as mine."

"My mother was always leaving me with Jill while they did their functions and stuff for church."

"Sorry, this is Lucas and Peyton and you remember Jake. This Denny character is named Denver Stanford Parker."

"Don't forget the third, Jilly." He shook everyone's hands and shook Jake's last. "Hey, you two are still together?" He looked between them, standing together, Jake holding onto his daughter with his other arm around Jillian. They both shrugged their shoulders. "You guys didn't get married or anything did you?"

Everyone laughed but Denny wasn't in on the joke. Jillian contained her laughter enough to spill out the news of Nathan and Haley before he himself started laughing.

"This must be the apple that was of your eye, Jilly Willy." Denny took Jenny into his own arms and looked at the baby. "You changed a lot of lives, little one. What is her name again?"

"Her name is Jenny." Jake took her out of his arms and placed her back into the stroller. Everyone noticed that Jake was not happy with Denny being here, most of all Jilly sensed that he was very unhappy with the way that he was acting towards them as a couple with a child. Jillian wanted to break the tension.

"So what are you doing here in Tree Hill?"

"I had a break from school; I go to Clemson now."

"How ironic that a guy named Stanford ended up going to Clemson." Jillian stated.

"Well wouldn't it be awkward to name a kid Clemson?"

"Why don't you head back to the house with us so that we can catch up?"

"That'd be great. God, the last time I saw you, or rather spoke to you since your mother had you on lock down, was the time after this one was born, right before you mother said you weren't living there anymore. Did you two move in together or something?"

There was going to be a lot of explanation involved in this guest's visit. Brooke, Peyton, and Lucas all walked away in the other direction, seeing the look of throwing fire with his eyes that Jake was projecting at Denny.


	4. Tell Me Now What to do

**Disclaimer**: Anything you don't recognize from the show is mine… everything else… I wish!

**Tell Me Now, What to Do**

* * *

"That was Brooke." Jillian reentered the living room where the boys were sitting, across the room from each other while Jenny sat in her bouncer in the middle of the room.

_Mommy's little mediator_, Jillian thought.

"She wanted to let us know that they are planning a wedding shower for Nate and Hales for tomorrow night. It's a surprise and I got to go help set up tomorrow afternoon." Jake was pushing his daughter with his foot, a stare fixed on Denny who was playing with his palm pilot. "And she wanted me to give you this." She handed Denny a piece of paper and the soda that he accepted when Jillian asked.

"What is this?" He took the paper and while reading it, smiled. "Brooke's number. Score."

Jillian walked across the room and sat down on the arm of the couch next to Jake. He put his arm around her waist and continued to look over at Denny.

"So how long are you going to be in town for?" Jillian pretended not to notice the death stare they were exchanging.

"Just a couple of days. Enough for us to catch up."

"Well, I have school and all..."

"That's right, I keep forgetting you aren't in college yet." Jake was still staring. Jillian didn't know what to say next with the two of them just sitting there, staring each other down as if it were some sport.

"So." Denny entered Brooke's number into his palm pilot and slipped it into his jacket pocket. "Heard you lost the championship."

Jake was about to rebut when the front door opened and Jake's parents entered, carrying grocery bags.

"We're home."

"Thank God." Both statements came in unison. Jillian, after thanking a higher power for the arrival of the parents, stood and took a few bags out of their hands. "I'd like you to meet my childhood friend Denny."

"Denver Stanford Parker the third." Denny stood as he pretended to button a suit button that he was not wearing while speaking with an English accent.

Alice and Frank both laughed along with Jillian but Jake abstained; he was immune to Denny's charm and he could see the underlying smugness that Denny possessed, along with his arrogance of being from a wealthy family though he tried to mask it with sarcasm. Jake took Denver for face value and he couldn't see why Jill was his friend.

"So you are a childhood friend of Jilly's?" Alice had finished putting away the groceries and the whole family assembled in the living room.

"Yes ma'am, I moved here when, I think you Jilly were about 10. We were both children of avid church goers; we ended up spending quite a lot of time together."

"Jillian and Jake were inseparable when they were children." Frank laughed as he remembered those days.

"Yeah." Denny looked down at his hands, breaking his stare with Jake. "I remember that. Still like that." Jake smiled in his own personal triumph. He had won the girl.

"Are you from around here?" Alice asked.

"We lived closer together once Jilly moved right outside of Tree Hill. I went to St Anne's boys school." Alice and Frank had quizzical looks on their faces. "My grandfather owns Parker Pharmaceuticals." They both nodded in understanding; Denny came from money.

"But as of right now I'm living quite like any other normal college guy." Jake found that hard to believe with a ipod sitting next to him on the couch and his pilot in his jacket.

"What school are you attending?"

"Clemson. Well, as of right now I'm studying at Clemson but I've got an application and I'm told I'm a shoe in to go study at Cambridge for the duration of college."

"No way." Jake saw her jump forward in her seat.

"Yeah, I thought you would be excited to hear my news. I've living our dream."

"What dream?" Jake didn't like the sound of Denny referring to anything as a dream the two shared.

"Nothing." Jillian wiped away any notion that Denny's news affected her in any way. Denny noticed this but it didn't phase him; he thought that Jake would love to hear this little piece of information.

"It was always a dream that we both had; we would go to Cambridge and study our separate fields. Mine was English."

"Mine was medicine." Jillian looked distressed. Jake knew why; she just realized that her dream could not happen. Jillian was no longer a free spirit. She was tied down whether or not it involved rings and I love you's, she had a daughter to take care of.

He could tell she was scared, too. She forgot that she had no plans anymore. It had always been her plan to become a doctor and now it was near impossible.

"Hopefully I will finish school there, tell the family tootles, see you at all the appropriate holidays and live my life free of them."

Jillian still looked in awe of it all; Jake just rolled his eyes as his mother asked his enemy to stay and have a nice home cooked meal.

* * *

"What do you think?" Peyton ushered Lucas into the studio that Brooke and Peyton decided to rent for the night of the shower. 

"Am I really the one you should be asking?" Peyton stood firm so Lucas looked around. "Looks a little empty to me?" Peyton playfully smacked his arm.

"We are going to fix that."

Brooke came out from another room; Lucas looked in the doorway and noticed that the room was full of decorations. Brooke noticed that Lucas was peering into the room and saw all the stuff they bought. She pulled a credit card out of her pocket and smiled. Lucas nodded in understanding.

"I love my dad. Especially his credit cards."

"Your mom already said she was going to make the food for the party."

"Wait, you suckered my mom into this..."

"She wanted to help, Luke. She loves Haley just as much as the rest of us. And if you really are her best friend, you can't tell her or your brother."

Lucas didn't correct her brother remark, he liked hearing it. He smirked lightly, like he was thinking of something, a prank or something else just as mischievous, to ruin their plans. Peyton could read Lucas and knew what he had on his mind.

"I can't promise anything."

"I know how long I can go without sex. If you tell... then I just hopeyou can lastlonger than I can."

"Duly noted." He smiled and kissed her as Brooke went back into the other room so that she didn't have to watch them.

It was hard for Brooke to not be with someone; she always had someone in her life and for once she felt like everyone else was paired off and she was the only person alone in Tree Hill.

"When is help coming? You got a lot to do before tonight."

"We got some other people that plan on coming tonight to help." Peyton wrapped her arms around Lucas. "I was hoping that you being a big strong guy, that you would help us set some stuff up." Peyton gave him a long kiss on the lips.

"That is cheap."

"But it's working." Lucas didn't argue, letting Peyton kiss him again.

Brooke emerged from the room, a wide grin on her face.

"What happened to you?" Peyton laughed, holding still onto Lucas.

"I just got a call from Denver. He's my date tonight."

"That's great." Peyton watched as Brooke took her jacket and started for the door. "Wait, what are you doing?"

"I have to go get ready."

"The party is in like, twelve hours."

"I have to go shopping to get something to wear." Brooke took her purse that was sitting near the doorway. "I'll be back later."

Peyton, exasperated, picked up her cell phone out of her purse that was also near the door, and started to dial.

"Who are you calling?" Lucas came over to where she was standing.

"I'm calling Jilly; I need reinforcements since Brooke is going A-wall." She put the phone up to her ear. "Hopefully Jake can come and help out, too."

"Yeah, wouldn't that be fun."

As long as Jake didn't admit to it, Luke got to ignore that Jill passed on him to be with Jake. It still bothered him, though he knew that he loved Peyton. Why did it affect him? He should be happy. There were many reasons for Lucas to be happy with life. But for some reason, he couldn't come up with anything that actually did make him happy.

He didn't want to spoil the party, though. Jill and Jake were his friends and he was not about to create more drama than needed. He would suck it up and ignore his feelings. He wanted everyone to have a great time, and he wanted tonight to be perfect for Nate and Haley. So many people were rooting against them; sure, he was one of them. After thinking about it, Nathan is his brother and Haley has always been his best friend. Even if he doesn't agree with their choice, he doesn't want to be cruel.

The party is going to be fun no matter what Lucas has to do.


	5. A Life so Out of Place

**Disclaimer**: Anything you don't recognize from the show is mine… everything else… I wish!

thank you for the comments!

* * *

**A Life So Out of Place**

Jillian was lying next to the guy that she loved more than anyone else on Earth, his arms wrapped around her, his head resting comfortably on her neck, and somehow, she felt more uncomfortable than ever. She felt out of place, confused, and worse of all, she felt scared. The future had never been so uncertain for her; plans were crushed and she never bothered to make new ones.

He smiled in his sleep. She was happy that at least someone was getting sleep.

They had gotten home a few hours before and she still was unable to sleep. The party was great and everyone had fun.

Jillian was the exception, not that she didn't play the part of a girl having a great time at her friend's wedding party. Nobody knew, not even Jake, that she was miserable on the inside.

She saw how carefree they all were when she was screaming on the inside that all she wanted to do was get away. Jenny had taken to her like she had Peyton; Jillian felt more like a mother than ever.

She felt guilty for wanting to run away from it all. She loved them both, but life seemed to be ending. School had been all that her life was about. What was she to do now that long term goals would never be met?

She left without waking Jake. That was an accomplishment but he was tired with working, time for Jillian and Jenny, school, and anything else that came up; sleep was a last option. Jillian checked on Jenny in her crib, then walked across the hall, took a notebook and made her way downstairs.

She took some meds before heading out into the chilly night to do a little thought writing in the notebook that she had started to fill with letters to Jake. Now, she wrote about things that were happening and how she felt about it.

She woke up with the rising of the sun and the spots she usually saw before a migraine started. Downing two more pills from the night before, she judged the time to figure out how much sleep she got. Three hours. More sleep in one night than she has gotten in at least a month. She didn't feel tired either.

Stretching she saw Denny running up the walk.

"It's early."

"Yeah, I can tell. You are still in your PJs." He saw the blanket on the porch swing. "Usually the Mrs. makes him sleep on the couch. Jake kicked you out all the way to the porch?"

"What are you doing running, Mr. Two Packs a Day?"

"Quit. I heard it's bad for you."

"Is someone chasing you?"

"I took up running after I quit. I just dropped Brooke off at home and I wanted to go for a run." He smiled, cocky.

"I love Brooke, but if you're expecting to get a medal for sleeping with her, you'll have to stand in line, pal." He laughed.

"Get dressed. You're coming along."

"I don't run."

"Let's walk and talk. Come on, I'll wait." Denny ran up the porch steps and sat down on the swing. "Get your ass moving."

Jillian walked into the house and hurried into her clothes, not caring about the way she looked. She looked in on Jake and Jenny; both still sleeping peacefully. She didn't want to wake Jake to tell him where she was; he would not be happy with her leaving in the middle of the night, nor her hanging with Denny. She did what she usually did when she wanted Jake to get a note; she wrote on the bathroom mirror. Then she left, walking down the familiar path with Denny.

Walking down the boardwalk down on the beach, Denny and Jillian walked side by side, Denny glancing over at Jill, wondering why she was so quiet. He could always understand what she was going through because they were always on the same page; their lives mirroring each other. Somewhere down the road, their paths diverged and what was important to each changed. Denny didn't know anything about her anymore.

"What are you thinking about?" Denny tried the direct approach.

"You don't want to know." She laughed lightly, laughing at the absurdity. "It's so self-loathing, I don't even like myself right now."

"I knew you were here, Jill."

Jillian looked over at him. She was caught off guard by his statement and she was hoping she could read in his eyes, what he was trying to tell her. It didn't seem like anything good; he avoided her eyes and looked down at his hands. They reached the end and sat down on one of the piers. Jillian knew she needed to say something to get him to tell her the rest.

"How did you know I was back in Tree Hill?"

"Your mother told me." Her breath was caught in her chest.

"Please tell me you didn't say what I thought I just heard." Jillian was standing, her hands moving rapidly because she was getting upset and nervous at the thought of her mother meddling in her life again.

"Hear me out." He stood along with her.

"I'm listening."

"We had so many plans, Jilly. Don't you remember? We were going to go study abroad together. We were going to travel during the summers to exotic places, come back to school and study our asses off. You have always wanted to be a Pediatrician."

"I haven't forgotten, Denver, things have changed though, and-"

"I want you to come to school with me."

"What?"

"I have a little influence at school-"

"You mean your grandfather has a little influence."

"I got you in at Clemson. I even sent off two applications to go to Cambridge. Jillian it could happen."

"It can't work. I'm still in high school."

"We both know that you have more than enough credits to go to college. You've taken every college class in high school known to man. You were one of the top five students of your class, you got in at Clemson."

Jillian's head was spinning. How could something like this happen? "I don't have the money to go. My mom cut me off."

"She would forgive you, you know. Then you could go to school. you owe it to yourself." He stood in front of her so that she could no longer pace around. "Why is it that the only excuse you haven't made is your daughter and her father?"

Jillian instantly felt guilty again about the thoughts of leaving them. But Denny was right; they were the only reason that she wouldn't go and even that was hanging on a thread.

"It's only an hour drive out to Clemson; you could be home every weekend. You would never miss a thing."

"I can't be a mom just on the weekends, Denver. Being a mother to that little girl is a twenty four- seven job that I love. I would miss her first time walking, her talking, tucking her in at night. I would never want to miss anything she did. She is my baby."

He moved away from her and leaned one hand against a pole, peering into the water deep in thought. She didn't know what he was coming up with, but he left her with so many unanswered questions, she was left in a tailspin.

"You never answered me truthfully before."

"About what?"

"When I asked you why you were in Tree Hill all you said was that you had a break from school. You answered why you weren't in school, but that didn't answer why you were here." He sat down. "Stand up and say to my face why you are here."

"Jilly."

"I know why but I want you to say it. I want to hear you say this is set up."

Denny stood. "I came here because of you."

"Why?"

"Because I wanted you to come back to school with me. I missed you."

"No, you are a liar. Tell me the truth." He stood still, trying to find an excuse, a way of getting out of this. "Tell me the fucking truth or I swear to God-"

"When I asked your mother about you, she made a proposition for me, alright?"

"You came out here because my mother offered you something? She wants to take me away from my daughter so she offered you something?" Denny didn't nod, but she knew that it was the truth. "What did she offer you Den? Did she offer you money, was the tip of the scale me? Was I the prize?"

"She offered me the chance to get away from the family. A way of getting away from them-"

"But still in their good graces."

"People listen to your mother in the community too, you know, because of your Dad."

"She was going to influence the board so you could leave the business to go to England but so that you wouldn't piss off mommy and daddy and not get any money." She laughed. "You truly are a bastard and I never noticed."

"I always wanted us to be together. I thought by college you would forget Jake and we could be together."

"Why would I want to be with you?"

"We are so much alike. We always said we had the same lives. You and Jake are in two different places. You are too smart for him."

"We are not much alike. I don't use people. And I would never want to be with you just because my family's rich like yours. That's all you think about, isn't it? We used to sit around and talk about things; books we've read, philosophies we both held. But lives change. Obviously, you turned into an asshole somewhere down the line."

"Maybe when Jake knocked you up and suddenly you had no time for anyone but him."

"And there's the truth. My place is here in Tree Hill. I can't believe I even considered leaving Jenny and Jake. I love them more than anything in the world and I would rather be with them and be unsure of what will happen in the future than to be with you in college."

"What about everything we said we were going to do? What about all those dreams?"

"We have changed. My dreams are different now. I don't get to live my life for just me anymore; I have two people depending on me and what I want in life is centered around them." Jillian starts to walk away, but she turns around. "I can't believe you turned on me."

"What are you talking about now?" Denver's voice had changed. Jillian always remembered him not being like the rest of the people around her at school, at the social gatherings her parents made her go to. He sounded so much like them now; arrogant, self-centered, self-indulgent. She didn't recognize him anymore.

"We always said that it was us against the parents. You've turned into them. I want you to give Patricia a message. Tell her that I consider myself lucky for her to be out of my life and I would never do anything that would make her come back into my life."

"You think you are so righteous, Jill. It's just part of our heritage."

"Denver, go to hell. Becoming a selfish asshole is not part of any heritage." She walked away, anger still lingering over her, though she had to tell herself not to cry.

She was going from walking to running for home once she was out of sight of Denny. It was then that she prayed- the last time being on the steps to Jake's house, hoping he could forgive her- that she would never again see Denny. She still didn't believe in any god, but it made her feel like she could guard herself from getting hurt like that again. She was doing something and not just waiting.

_Just when you think you know someone_, Jilly thought.

The fear was still there, though. The fear she had of the uncertainty. She still had no idea what would become of their lives. Jillian wished that she could be as strong as Nathan and Haley and to be honest enough with Jake to tell him the truth.

Every time someone even mentioned marriage her heart sank. Every time that Jake mentioned them getting married it made her wish more than anything that she could say yes. But she didn't want him to regret it later and end up not loving her later.

She slowed down to a walk as she was thinking of the song he wrote for her.

S_he knows I love her  
but does she see I'm scared?_

He wrote that for her when she told him about the pregnancy and for some reason, those lines stood out for her at the moment.

She made it to the steps, taking her dirty shoes off at the door and walking in, she noticed that the entire house was still asleep. She tip-toed up the stairs so not to wake anyone and walked into Jake's room instead of hers.

She curled up around him, her arms hugging his shoulders. He turned his head to her and kissed her lightly on the forehead. She knew that this was her place; in Jake's arms, their daughter two feet past the bed. He smiled at her and all she could think of was those lines from the song he wrote. She could deny it but the fear was still there. She wanted to forget it all but she couldn't.

She couldn't forget that when Denny said he wanted her to leave, she almost jumped into his arms and thanked him for a way out.

"You were right, Jake." She said it lightly, believing that he did not hear any of it because he said nothing.


	6. Excuse Me for My Haste

**Disclaimer**: Anything you don't recognize from the show is mine… everything else… I wish!

**Excuse Me for My Haste**

She realized she was back in her own room in her own bed when she awoke from a nightmare, a scream waiting in her throat. She breathed in deep to calm herself, to tell herself that she was no longer in the dream world.

She didn't remember walking back to her room. Either she was dead tired, or Jake carried her across the hall. Walking from her room, Jillian looked into Jake's open doorway to see if Jenny was sleeping. She was already up somewhere in the house; Jill could hear her giggles and coos.

Moving next, Jill went to the bathroom expecting to find her note untouched on the bathroom mirror. Instead of her note, she found a picture scribbled from Jake; a heart. She erased it after she splashed water on her face. The gesture made her smile but it would be hard to explain to his parents if one of them saw the heart in the bathroom the two shared.

She smoothed out her hair that was tangled from her sleep. While doing so, she thought of the dream she awoke from. Someone was hitting her while on her knees in prayer in a church. The dream skipped to Jillian sitting with Jenny in her arms in back of a pew with Jake. Jake disappeared. Then Jenny. Jillian searched through the whole church, unable to find Jenny. Then she saw Peyton holding onto her right before she too disappeared.

Jillian never shared her dreams with anyone, including Jake and Peyton. She was trying to understand them herself, and she didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. It was because of her lack of sharing she thought the insomnia stemmed. Maybe it was the stress of everything her life now entailed. Maybe it was the pressure to be there for everyone.

Maybe it was because of her wanting to get away from it all. She wasn't sure which it was.

She took some pills that she found in the medicine cabinet and made her way down the stairs to the family below. She had her plan straight; Jake was never to know what happened with Denny. But she needed to tell someone.

* * *

Skipping the formalities, Jillian walked into Peyton's house without a knock. She called her name as she was climbing the stairs as a warning if Lucas happened to be with Peyton in her room. Jillian brought Jenny along with her since Jake was heading off to work. Peyton heard Jillian's calls and came from her room, able to hear the distress in Jillian's voice.

"What's wrong, Jilly?" Peyton was concerned; even Jenny looked edgy.

"I needed someone to talk to." Jillian managed as she started to break down. She dropped the diaper bag at the top of the stairs as Peyton wrapped her arms around Jillian's shoulders, trying to comfort her despite the fussing baby attached to her chest.

"You can tell me anything."

"Is this a bad time?" She looked over Peyton's shoulder into her room, hoping that she didn't barge in while Peyton was alone with Lucas.

"He left. We will trade problems."

"Problems? I did come at a bad time. I shouldn't bother you with my troubles when you have your own..."

"No, this is what friends are for. We'll listen to each other." Peyton walked Jillian into her bedroom were the two collapsed into discussion.

* * *

"Well, Mrs. Scott, how nice to see you. Not much of a honeymoon I suppose." Jake was strapping on an apron while Haley was manning the coffee maker.

"No honeymoon since we both like the idea of having a place to live." She placed a new filter in the machine. "I need to pick up more hours or we won't have any electricity."

"The joys of new marriage." They both laughed. "But seriously, is it weird?"

"It is weird, being together all the time. But it feels good." Haley noticed he took keen interest into this. "Why, you're not thinking of marriage are you Mr. Jagelski?"

He turned pale. "Of course not. I was just curious. You two are obviously in love, but otherwise you seem so different."

"At first I was freaking out. I think my cold feet came after the wedding. I couldn't think of how it would work but it came to me."

"What did?"

"Just like you said, we love each other, and because of that, things will work out." She went around the counter, leaning in to tell Jake her secret. "Have faith."

She winked at him and he understood. She wasn't saying that she needed faith; it was obvious she already had it. She was letting Jake know that all he needed was faith. Jake was always the believer in faith and reason, believing also that things happen for a reason, that fate is real.

It was Jillian that had no faith.

Just as Haley was making her rounds to the occupied tables for refills, Lucas was passing by the Cafe, walking briskly toward a destination that seemed he needed to be in haste. Haley waved but Lucas didn't bother looking into the window, almost like he was only acutely aware that he was passing by his friends working place and his mother's own establishment. Haley cast a glance at Jake; he could tell that she was worried with no real reason why. She walked with equal force for the door, calling Lucas's name. Jake ran for the door as well, put keeping himself in the doorway as to not let the costumers in the store without any employees.

Jake could hear Lucas replying to Haley's question: "What's wrong, Luke?"

He was pausing only momentarily to talk to his best friend. "If you want to know, go ask Peyton." As he finished his sentence, Lucas looked briefly at Jake on the top step of the Cafe before starting off again at the same pace he was traveling before.

Haley went back toward the Cafe's door as Jake was stripping off the apron and handing it to her. He took off down the sidewalk after his friend.

"Will you tell Karen what I'm doing?" Haley understood, knowing that Karen would not mind if Jake ran off to help out her son.

"Hey man, wait up." Jake was jogging lightly to catch up to Lucas. He didn't even turn to acknowledge that Jake was there with him; they walked in silence for a few minutes.

"I don't want to talk right now."

"That's fine, Luke. But I'm here so you might as well just tell me to get it off your chest."

"You are part of the problem." He stopped, catching Jake off guard. "I was finally honest with myself and honest with Peyton and..."

Lucas threw up his hands and continued walking. Jake didn't bother to chase him down; it was obvious Lucas needed time to think.

Being at the wedding party brought out a new side of Lucas. He was so hell bent on looking like he was having a good time, that he actually did have a good time. He watched Peyton throughout the night; she always looked happiest when she created something that made others happy. It was the same way with her drawings; if it touched someone else, it made her happy.

He realized that he didn't think about Jillian at all that night. It was all about Peyton and he truly did love her. He finally saw a way that he could be happy.

* * *

As he was laying next to her, Lucas couldn't help it; he had to tell her, even if she wasn't awake. He was always the type of person to wear his heart on his sleeve. He felt uneven, not like himself to hide his true feelings from Peyton; he never hid them from her before.

He snuggled up next to her as she slept. Luce laid still for a moment to see if she was awake before he spoke lightly, almost unable to hear himself.

"I wish I could tell you. I love you." Even in the dim light of drawn shades on the window, Lucas could see Peyton's eyes grow wide. She was awake, she was conscious.

She had heard his almost silent confession. And it scared the hell out of her.

* * *

"What happened then?" Jillian listened intently, hoping to be able to help her friend in any way that she could.

"I told him that I wasn't ready for that. It was too soon to feel like that and if he expected me to say it, then he would be disappointed because I don't feel the same way." She lied to both Lucas and Jillian with that statement. She really did love him.

"What did he say?"

"That he would just wait for my answer then." Peyton left out big gaps in their fight, not wanting to hurt Jillian.

* * *

"I know you love me, Peyton. I know you're scared, too." Peyton wasn't about to admit that Lucas was right while they were arguing.

"Yeah well, love has burned me more than once and I'm not ready for that again."

"You're not willing to take a chance?"

"I took that chance with Jake." She had started to sob lightly as she walked to the doorway. "And look how that turned out." She ran into the bathroom and waited for Lucas to leave.

But she wasn't going to tell Jillian any of that.

* * *

"You need to tell him the truth."

"The truth about what?" Jillian gave her what Peyton termed, the mother stare.

"Tell him that you lied and that you really do love him."

"I'm not ready for love."

"You are. And when you realize it, you'll be kicking your own ass that you made a big fuss over something you already felt."

Peyton mulled over Jill's words in silence. Jillian felt good that she didn't have to worry about her problems and that hopefully she was helping someone else. That always did lift her spirits if it was a bad day.

"Can we just keep all of this between us?" Peyton looked worried that Jill might tell someone. "Just us?" Jillian nodded, understanding. "Now it's your turn; spill."

Jillian told the whole story of what happened between her and Denny except for the part about her feelings; she did not want Peyton knowing that she desperately needed to get away from the pressure cooker she was in. Even though Jillian was getting everything off her chest; none of it made her feel any better. Telling actually made her feel worse; sending her story out there for people to judge her. That and the same fear that had been plaguing her for days.

"That asshole. I'm so sorry, Jillian. I knew there was something strange about him. But he seemed so charming..."

"I know. He's always been that way; always charming others into thinking he was a different person than he really way. It just never was there to blind me."

"Oh, God, Brooke. We should tell her."

"I don't think he will try to talk to her anymore. Denny's always treated girls pretty badly."

"What did Jake say when you told him about Denver?" Peyton waited for a response but all Jill did was bounce Jenny on her knee. "You didn't tell him?"

"I didn't know how. I was kind of ashamed of how I defended Den. Turns out, Jake was right all along about him. He was bad news." She looked down at Jenny. "More than anything, I'm scared of what's going to happen. It's not like I'm going to college or anything."

"Why not? You are a genius, you could do anything."

"I can't afford it and I don't have the time. Jenny's a handful. I can't manage as it is and its only high school." Peyton did wonder how Jillian handled all that was on her plate.

"Never let go of your art. Sometimes in my head, I blame Jenny or Jake on losing sight of my dreams. I feel horrible for it."

"You'll come up with something new. And you are going to college; you can get grants and loans, scholarships."

"Who would send a teenage mom to college? I've never really wanted to be anything other than a doctor."

"Never?"

"Once, I wanted to be a photographer like my dad. More than that though, I didn't want to be taking family photos for the royal family. I wanted to be taking pictures of Mayan temples, foreign cities in Tibet, or Japan. I wanted to write articles and do pictures." She laughed at herself. "But that was a long time ago when I still believed that life was good and my dad actually gave a shit about me."

"It could happen for you." Peyton's wheels were turning in her head. She had a good idea to hopefully pull up Jill's spirits.

"Just promise me that you won't let anything stop you from your dreams. That you'll do anything to reach those goals? You got talent, Peyton. You really do."

Peyton nodded, knowing that Jillian needed to not warn Peyton, but needed to vocalize her pain and guilt about her situation. Peyton leaned over and took Jenny from Jillian, cradling her in her arms.

"Why don't you spend the day with Jenny? I got to head over to work."

"We'll walk you." Both girls stood from the bed, Peyton taking the diaper bag from the floor when they passed to go down the stairs.

"Promise me, Peyt." Peyton remained silent. "Promise me."

"I promise."

Peyton was promising so much, she wasn't sure if she could uphold it. She promised to not let anything get in the way of her life and she promised to tell Luke the truth. That in itself seemed a paradox. But she did not promise to keep quiet about Jillian's own secrets.

Peyton watched Jill as she went into work after saying goodbye to her baby. Peyton waited until she knew that Jilly wasn't watching and walked into the Cafe. She saw Jake right away at a table near the door, cleaning off the remnants of someone's lunch.

"I need to talk to you when you get a break."

Jake was hoping that she wasn't going to talk to him about what happened with Lucas. "What's up?"

"It's about Jilly."


	7. If Only I Could Settle For

**Disclaimer**: Anything you don't recognize from the show is mine… everything else… I wish!

thank you tardychick!

* * *

**If Only I Could Settle For**

"Is that Jackass still in town?" Jake stood from the crate he was sitting on, fists clenched at his sides.

The only times Peyton remembered seeing him angry were when someone was threatening Jillian. It was a whole new side of the passive, docile Jake.

"I don't think I was supposed to tell you all this. You have to keep it between you and me, for at least a little while."

"Why the hell did you tell me if I'm not supposed to let her know that I know?"

"I told you because you deserve to know how much Jillian has given up for you." Jake was avoiding looking at Peyton but now, shocked by her statement, he looked over at her. "She is so scared, Jake. She needs you to tell her that things are going to be okay."

"It's not like I haven't tried."

"I don't know what is going on with her, but she is in a dark place right now. Being ostracized by her family, an old friend betraying her, and all the other shit in her life probably doesn't help, but she is having a hard time. She needs you to be there."

"I'm trying."

Peyton held up her hands in an easing motion. "Don't shoot the messenger. I don't know how you are trying to help but obviously it's not working so much. Try harder."

Peyton stood and began to walk away, back from behind the Cafe. Jake ran few steps and took the back of her arm, pulling her lightly to look at him.

Thanks, Peyt." She only nodded. Jake looking into her eyes made her forget where she was planning on going.

Then she remembered. Oh yeah, Lucas.

* * *

She pulled out her cell phone as she heard the back door to the Cafe slamming shut. She punched in her dad's cell number and waiting patiently for him to pick up.

Though she already knew that he would not answer. She had called everyday since he left over two months ago and the last time she actually heard from him was a little over a month ago.

She prayed that he would pick up; she needed to talk to someone and though he wasn't around much, Peyton seemed dependent on him. She hated that aspect of her life. She hated depending on someone that was so openly not there when she needed them.

She left a voice message as she continued walking towards the river court. Though she was going to the basketball court to tell him about their relationship, all she could think about was the Jilly/Jake scenario.

Peyton came to the realization that she was a good actress and if her art was never to take off, at least she could fall back on that. She had managed to seem perfectly fine with the arrangement though inside her heart broke into micro millimeters. But after awhile the hurting stopped; more like lessened.

She hadn't really meant to break up with Jake. It had slipped up in the moment of anger. Jillian called Peyton to help her and then said that she couldn't be with anyone but Jake; that made her angry. She always hoped that he would see what a mistake it was and he would come back to her.

Obviously there was a lot of feelings still there between Jake and Jillian. Again, the acting came into play. She was disappointed and depressed but she wanted to be apart of their lives still, even if it were just friends. She knew that she could not realistically take care of Jake and Jenny, though she had wanted to try.

It was Jillian's job to be there for them first and foremost. Peyton knew that she was important to all three of their lives and that it was kept her going. She had her own life to live but she didn't mind being apart of theirs. Being alone most of the time, it was nice for her to feel needed.

Not that when she saw them together sometimes the old feelings came back to her and she wanted nothing more than to run up to Jake and be in his arms. That happened sometimes. And she hated herself for it.

Her stomach fell to her feet once she came into view of the basketball court, the murky river and power plants serving as a backdrop and a perfect metaphor for her life.

Dark, Gloomy. It seemed that the water knew of her lies.

Peyton was coming to tell Lucas that she loved him. Even if it was a lie.

* * *

He saw her walking through the soggy grass toward him. She looked like a mirage; full of glow in the sun, she would look perfect in his eyes if only she would smile. He truly saw her as the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. But he would never tell her that; just look how telling her he loved her went.

Lucas was so sure that she was coming out to the court to tell him something horrible. She walked so slowly, not calling out to meet half way and jump into his arms like she usually did. He thought it couldn't possibly be good.

But when she came closer, he saw a glimmer in her eye; he thought maybe it was just a tear waiting to ripen and fall down her face. She rushed into his arms and said over and over again how sorry she was. She whispered into his ear, just as he had whispered into hers, those same words that change a relationship for good. And he realized that a tear was not hanging in her eye but a ray of hope of forgiveness was waiting to shine.

He held her tight, wanting to stay just like this the rest of the day. He came out to the river court to vent all his frustrations, to yell and beat on the backboard with the worn ball like he had done many times before. Now all he wanted to do was hold onto Peyton foreverand feel this happiness that washed over him.

* * *

Peyton held onto his shirt to keep from falling to her knees. She knew it was wrong to tell him something that wasn't true. She regarded hurting him by saying that she didn't feel the same as just as bad.

She managed to hold onto the tear until his back was turned and he was holding onto her tight. She need his comfort even though he was the reason that she felt so horrible, so guilty.

She would feel so alone without him. She had held onto Jake before and now it was Lucas. If she had to lie to keep their relationship going, than she would take that risk.

It's too lonely being alone.

* * *

Jillian nearly dropped her coffee and the stack of books she was carrying when Jake snuck up behind her in the hallway, lightly kissing her neck.

"What the hell are you doing?" She looked around, acting like a paranoid schizophrenic. She people snickered as they walked by, but not because of her paranoid tendency but some new rumor going around school about her. By now she had learned to ignore it.

"I don't care anymore." He took her books from her. "What's going on?"

"I'm way behind and I need to catch up."

"Okay, you can work on this while you are at work. Let's go to lunch."

"I need to do some stuff at the library, you go ahead." She began to walk down the hall to the library and instead of going in the other direction toward the lunchroom, he followed her a few paces. "Go, Jake."

"No, I'll come with you to the library." He was still holding her books. Something odd about the way he wanted to be with her even if it was while working on schoolwork made Jillian smile. She didn't want to refuse either; at least she wouldn't be alone.

"Okay." He hadn't seen a smile like that for the last couple of weeks since the Denny incident. He liked seeing her smile. He liked it even better while they walked down the hall, She took Jake's hand into her own and squeezed a little.

* * *

Jillian caught Lucas as she was leaving form the library.

"Missed you guys in lunch today."

"Yeah right, you two probably didn't even notice we weren't there." She made a kissing face and Lucas laughed.

"You heading to pick up the baby?"

"Got to stop by my locker and pick up a few more things." They both started down the hallway.

Lucas lifted up her backpack even though she was wearing it. "This already weighs a ton."

"That's why I'm carrying the books."

"You only have three classes."

"Three college classes. That are kicking my ass by the way. It's not like I don't have enough other stuff to do."

Jillian stopped in front of the locker that both her and Jake shared, entering in the combination.

"Yeah right, you are the smartest person in this whole damn school so I don't want to hear it." He waited to hear her laugh before he began again. "I want you to look for this book at work. I found it on Amazon and it sounds good. It's called _Just a Couple of Days by _Vigorito-"

"I can't."

"You said it was my week to pick. I read that girly book _Unless_, so it's your turn to deal with my choice."

"no, I mean that I don't have time right now to read a book that's not for class. I'm reading two already."

He wasn't expecting it, but it didn't seem like a big deal; maybe in a few days.

"Okay, reserve me a copy if you can find one." He started to walk away as she shut the locker.

"Sure will. See you later, Luke." She darted for the door, wanting to head over to the Cafe to get some more coffee before she needed to pick up Jenny.

* * *

She strained with all the baby gear while trying to open the front door. Jenny was sucking on her foot, sitting on the front step in her car seat.

"Well, I'm glad you are comfortable." She was tired, cranky and Jenny wouldn't sleep.

Peyton opened the door and laughed at Jillian's full arms of bags of diapers, stroller, formula and everything else that was bought for Jenny, so it seemed. Jillian let out a long sigh of relief and handed over some of the stuff she was attempting to carry.

"I heard you struggling." Peyton explained. "You do realize that I said I would watch her for a day, right? I didn't say I'd take care of her till she moved out to go to college."

"You never know what you will need." Jillian walked into the house with Jenny's car seat in one hand and her favorite blanket and stuffed animal in the other. "Thank you for agreeing to this Peyton. I really owe you big for this."

"No problem. I love Jenny." She lifted the squirming girl from the seat and held her above her face while she gave her little kisses.

"These last couple of weeks we've been so busy. I've been working all the time since my boss got married, school's been crazy."

"Well, now that the parents are out for the weekend, you guys can just chill, take a break while Jenny and me spend some time together."

"I have a paper I have to work on, some other stuff-"

"Spend time with Jake."

Jillian smiled in defeat. She knew that she should spend time with Jake but there was so much that needed to be done.

The phone rang, and once Peyton heard it start ringing, she dashed towards the base of the cordless phone and looked at the caller identification. She dashed over to the hone in excitement and now walked back to where Jillian was standing, with dejection written all over her face.

"Solicitors." The one word didn't explain it all.

"Were you expecting someone to call?"

Peyton was still holding onto Jenny, bouncing her to help ease the small cries that were coming on.

"I was hoping my dad was going to call. I haven't talked to him in a long time." She paused for a moment and laughed at how she was trying to make it sound so causal. "Longer than a long time. I haven't heard from him in more than a month now."

Jillian put her hand on Peyton's shoulder. "I know what it's like to not have a Dad around. They don't know the first thing about parenting anyways."

"It's hard though."

"You should be used to it by now. God knows I am. I haven't heard from my dad since I got here four months ago." She laughed. "I realize now why we are friends. We are both messed up because of our fathers."

Peyton didn't know what to say to Jill. She was hoping for some type of comfort that Jillian was good at giving to people, but was disappointed when all Jillian could say to her was that she would get over it.

"Thank you again, Peyton." Jillian took Jenny from Peyton and said her goodbyes and kissed her. "I haven't spent a night away from her since I got here." She held onto her though Peyton reached out for Jenny. "I don't think I can do it, Peyton."

"It'll be okay." She took Jenny out of her arms. Jenny didn't even fuss. "Go before you change your mind. Call me later."

"Thank you, thank you, thank you." She rushed out of the door, unsure why she was crying while driving back to the house.

Peyton desperately needed to talk to someone but didn't want it to come back to her and haunt her. She wanted to Jillian the truth but couldn't get herself to say it.

_I don't love Lucas._

All she wants is someone to hold her and tell her that she is okay. She never had that before Jake. She didn't want it to end because of something so trivial in her life like love.


	8. Is There More?

**Disclaimer**: Anything you don't recognize from the show is mine… everything else… I wish!

**Is There More?**

The night had been perfect. As perfect as was allowed with under 30 dollars in his pocket and his girl.

He liked to think of her as his girl. It was so 1950's to say so but he liked the thought of having someone to be with. Someone that cared and even gave him a perfect daughter.

That he was glad was not with them tonight. He had big plans and wanted to let Jillian know that he was here for her, whatever she needed, he would always be around to help.

They went to a simple dinner of hot dogs down on the boardwalk and instead of eating at the stand amongst the other patrons, they took it down to the dark beach and sat and watched the waves rolling in and crashing against the docks.

Theystrolled back to the walk and went into an arcade that was right next to the hot dog place. They both were big fans of playing air hockey and played five dollars worth of the game. Jake won more games but didn't rub it in Jillian's face.

They walked around and then decided to head back to the car and go home. Most places were getting ready to close anyways.

Instead of staying in her seat, Jill moved closer on the bench seat while Jake drove home, her head resting on his shoulder. It was what always happened in those old movies from the 1950's and Jill thought it was cute.

They walked up the porch hand in hand. This reminded Jake of that night that Jill went to the banquet with him. He liked to think of that night because it was so special and it was one of those moments that started out scary, but quickly moved onto thrilling.

He threw his keys onto the table next to the door as Jillian followed him inside the house. He slipped off his jacket, took Jill's and placed both in the closet near the door.

"We should watch a movie. I hate having to watch the Wiggles and Dora all day long."

Jake started to walk towards the cabinet with their movie collection but Jill reached out for his arm to stop him. He turned around to find her smiling up at him.

"I can think of something better to do." She pulled on his collar to get him to lean down and kiss her.

She was aware of what she was going, though at the moment she still couldn't believe the messages she was sending to him. She had thought about it for a long time but she knew that she was not ready to chance it. Sex was a big deal, and even though they already had done it times before, it still was a big deal, considering they had a daughter together.

She kissed him passionately, knowing that this would be their chance to have a moment together alone. The whole time they had been together since she returned home, they were not alone for more than an hour, maybe two, but usually they used the time to do other things, like clean up or go hang out with friends.

He wasn't expecting this either. News to him that she wanted to have sex. He assumed that the same rules had applied since before; they would only go so far because of the fact that things did happen even if you were careful.

The thoughts of the first time they had sex filtered into his mind. She completed him and made him happy; that's the only thing that mattered to him now and the sex thing was something extra he believed was thrown in to complicate the situation.

But he never thought of their relationship as complicated before. They loved each other. They had a daughter together. Simple.

"What the hell." Jake took Jilly into his arms, her legs wrapping around his waist, and walked towards the stairs.

He pinned her against the hallway wall, kissing her neck and listening to her giggle. He hadn't heard that from her in a long time; with so much in their lives, they had little time together.

She pulled his shirt off and kissed his neck. He held onto her and carried her into his room.

Up until then it was fun for Jillian, then she stopped breathing. She was hoping in the heat of the moment, all the fear she held in her heart would melt away. They didn't but ended up coming out right when Jake was smiling over her, saying that he loved her.

Jill let him pull off her shirt, while he leaned over her and kissed her collar bone. She had always liked it before, but when he looked up, her saw her crying.

"What's wrong?" He was afraid something really was wrong, physically, because she seemed fine only a moment before.

"Nothing." He was on top of her on his bed and shestarted unbuckling his belt trying to make him believe that there was nothing wrong.

The fear was turning her stomach and she thought she might throw up.

Something in her told her that this was not right.

"I can't do this." Jake let out a sigh. He was waiting for it. He got up from on her and moved to one side of his bed. "I'm so sorry Jake, but I can't do this. I'm so scared."

"I can understand if you don't want to do this, I really can. I realize that before I was a major ass about waiting but after having Jenny I can understand. But you can't keep doing this to me. It's like.. teasing."

She laughed though she was still tearing up from before. "You just called me a tease." She pulled the pillow from behind her head and placed it over her chest. "I'm sorry. I have so many things running through my head."

He sounded disappointed. "Me, too. I didn't plan on this, Jilly."

"I know you didn't; me either." They sat in silence for a moment. "I just want you to know that it's not like I don't want to have sex with you, because I do. I just get so scared."

"You don't have to explain."

"I want to. It's hard because all I think about is that first time, and while it was amazing, that's also when we..."

"Jenny."

"Yeah, and all I keep thinking about is that I'm not ready to give Jenny a little brother or sister."

"I understand Jilly." He pulled her closer to him, removing the pillow from her arms and let her rest her head against his chest in the dim light from the hallway. "I understand completely. But let's not start something we don't plan on finishing. Agreed?"

"Yeah. More talking, less impulse."

Jake thought about that statement. "Talking? Well then I want to tell you something." Jillian didn't move so he continued. "I know what happened with Denny."

Jillian raised her head. "Peyton told you?" He nodded. "I would kill her if she wasn't watching our daughter right now."

"I just want to let you know that I know how scary it is looking at the future from where we are now." She nodded. "I don't want you ever to worry about Jenny and me not being there because we aren't going anywhere."

"Still, to think of where we were two years ago, then eight months ago, then four months ago, then now, it's a rollercoaster. How do you keep from being terrified?"

"I have faith." He could feel her cringe as she lay her head back down on his chest. "Faith in us."

"So do I." She breathed lighter after adding in.

"I'm glad." He gulped down hard, trying to work up the courage to speak again. She kissed him and held, released and looked into his eyes. He sighed again, only this time it was a sigh of happiness to clear the air, and happiness to find this courage he was seeking. "Jilly, marry me."

* * *

Peyton put the phone down once she heard the voicemail pick up. The familiar sound of her father telling callers to leave a message almost made her cry; she wanted to hear his voice telling her that he would be home soon. She missed him.

Lucas came over though Peyton told him that she was watching Jenny. They ended up watching a movie while Jenny fell asleep in Lucas's arms. Even after she was asleep, Peyton and Lucas did nothing but watch the movie; Peyton wanted to be responsible and not give in to the situation.

"What movie do you want to watch now?"

The current movie was running through the credits. Lucas shifted Peyton who was leaning on his shoulder after the tiring day of watching Jenny. He went over to the stack of movies that Peyton owned and started going through the pile. He took out a worn DVD and held it out.

"How about The Breakfast Club?"

Peyton cringed. It was her favorite movie but it was also Jake's favorite and they watched it together all the time.

"Pick something else."

Lucas picked up another movie to which Peyton nodded in agreement. While Lucas was loading the movie into the player, Peyton went back into her bedroom and checked up on Jenny.

"Turn down the movie." Peyton headed into the room, a blanket draped over her arm and Jenny, looking half asleep. "Her tooth is bothering her."

She bypassed the family room to go get Jenny's teething ring out of the freezer. She came back into the room and saw that Lucas put in 10 Things I Hate About You. She sat next to him with Jenny in cradled in her arms, sucking on her teething ring and looking a little happier than before.

Lucas stroked the back of her head. "Does that feel better, Jenny?"

She looked at Lucas like she had something to say but just continued with her ring. Peyton thought Jenny could see through her lies and was going to fill in Lucas.

"She's going to start talking sometime soon, I can feel it." Peyton smiled at the prospect of speech from Jenny. "I can't wait till we can talk together about things. Toddlers are so cute when they talk; they say the craziest things."

Lucas laughed at this statement from Peyton. He thought it was funny that all this came from her, considering she wasn't Jenny's mother. He thought that maybe at some point in her relationship with Jake she hoped to one day become a mother to Jenny. Times changed and she must be adapting to being something less to Jenny.

"This is nice isn't it? Having a baby around?"

Peyton didn't quite understand what Lucas was saying, though it seemed, if anyone else were to see the three of them together, would assume that Peyton and Lucas were parents to Jenny. She hoped that he wasn't talking about having kids.

"It's just nice to have someone depending on you and giving you so much. But trust me, I can wait a very long time to have a relationship like this on a full time basis."

Lucas stewed over why she seemed so nervous at him expressing how much she loved Jenny and how she turned it into him wanting to talk about their having kids, though he definitely didn't mean that. He seemed so lost, unable to understand Peyton's thought process.

* * *

"Come on, Jilly." Jill crawled off the bed, searching the dark floor for her shirt.

"I said no more impulse."

"It wasn't impulse for me, I've been thinking about it a lot. It's not like I haven't asked you before."

"Yeah, and the answer remains the same." Jake rubbed his face with his hands, he was exasperated at Jillian's insistence of a no to his proposals.

"Nathan and Haley-"

"Don't finish that sentence, Jake. They are different than us. They don't have a child to think about."

"So Jenny is the reason you don't want to marry me?"

Now Jill was frustrated.

"No, but do you think we would be having this conversation if we didn't have Jenny? We'd be having sex and then I'd leave and go home, just like before. Things are different now."

"That's not a good enough reason to brush me off like this all the time. I want to be with you for the rest of our lives."

"Yeah, you want to now because we have Jenny. I don't want us to get married for any other reason than us, I don't want it to be about being Jenny's parents." She pulled her shirt over her head. "And I know you want to be together forever now, but what about ten years from now? What if I hold you back from something and you end up blaming me?"

"You mean that I will hold you back from something." He shook his head and smirked while Jillian stood there with nothing to say. "I'm going to get some sleep."

He turned over to face the other direction, away from the door. Jillian stepped outside his room. She went into the bathroom and splashed water on her face.

_What he right about him holding me back? Have I been lying to myself?_

She didn't even have the answers to questions to herself. She opened up the medicine cabinet and took out her prescription. She took two pills and looked back up at her reflection. Something had changed in her but she couldn't see it in the mirror.

She walked back into Jake's room, quietly, and laid next to him, her arms wrapping around his shoulders and much as she could. He turned around to face her and they kissed in the moonlight coming through the window.

"I'm sorry, I don't want to fight."

He studied her face. "Okay, I'm sorry, too." He kissed her again. "But I'm not sorry for asking you. I meant it."

"Not now. I think I'm going to go to the doctor and talk to him about getting on the pill."

"If you want, Jill. You know you don't have to."

"No pressure. But I want to." She kissed him again and let him hold her while they both fell asleep.


	9. What Will Happen Now

**Disclaimer**: Anything you don't recognize from the show is mine… everything else… I wish!

Thanks again! I think you're the only one reading now!

* * *

**What Will Happen Now **

Jake got up to check on Jenny, forgetting that she was with Peyton. He hadn't heard any noises all night and one of his biggest fears was that something would happen to Jenny and he wouldn't notice because he was sleeping. Consequently, he slept, waiting for the slightest noise in the night.

Considering his sleeping habits, he was surprised to find that Jillian had sneaked out during the night. He fell asleep with her in his arms and woke alone. After making a quick trip to the bathroom, he noticed the light filtering into the dark hallway from underneath her bedroom door.

He assumed that she must have just left his room and was getting settled in her own bed.

Jake opened the door slowly, wanting to take a peak at her before heading into her room. He was planning on crawling into her bed with her but was surprised to find her not in bed but sitting at her desk, the light coming from the single desk lamp, shining brightly onto an open textbook.

Jake stood, unsure of what was going on, while Jill reached towards her bed for another book that was sitting on top of the perfectly made bed that was obviously not slept in.

In the corner of her eye, she caught sight of Jake standing in the doorway. She gasped loudly, obviously unsure of who was standing there. She fell out of her chair, her hand on her heart, followed by a laugh once she realized it was just Jake.

"Can you make some kind of noise or something next time? I felt like my heart was about to jump out of my chest."

"What the hell are you doing?" He looked over at the alarm clock that was sitting on the table next to her bed. "It's after three."

"I wanted to work on some stuff so that we can go out tomorrow. You know, so we could do whatever you want."

Jake evaluated the situation to figure out if she was telling the truth.

"You don't have to wake up in the middle of the night to do homework. We don't have to spend all day together or we could do homework together or something."

Jillian closed her books and shut off the desk lamp, coming closer to Jake. She slid her arm around his neck and kissed him pushing him toward her bed. He landed on her bed, Jillian kneeling beside him.

"Stop, Jill." She complied. "That doesn't work. Tell me the truth." She moved to her lips toward his neck. "No. The truth." He knew she was hiding something.

Jillian moved away, back to the seat in front of her desk. She didn't understand what had come over her but she wanted to be able to talk to him, though she really didn't want to have to live with the consequences of his knowing what really was wrong.

"I had a lot of work to do so I decided to do some of it now, alright? I'm too awake to sleep anyways."

Jake glanced over her; her legs were trembling. He remembered the last time that he saw that problem was when she first started on that medication for her headaches. They had to change the dosage to help combat against the side effects.

Jillian saw him watching her legs wobble against her control. She let out one of those nervous giggles she was prone to when she was out of control of a situation.

"Don't look at me." She turned away, her hands on her face trembling to the same absent beat as her legs. "I'd rather not be able to sleep than the pain of a migraine."

Jake looked away like she asked. "I'm worried about you."

"Don't be."

"You have so much in your life. I guess I just want to make things as easy for you as possible. You seem too busy lately to be happy and I don't want you to be too busy; you'll miss things. I want you to be happy."

He looked back at her, she looked like she was about to tear up.

"That might be one of the sweetest things you've said to me."

"Its just the truth."

"I feel like I'm falling apart, you know? I take the medicine to feel better and I never sleep anymore."

"You do this a lot?" Jillian nodded, not trudging any further into the discussion. "Every night?" Again she nodded.

Jake came around the bed and sat on the edge next to Jillian in her computer desk. He placed his hands on top of Jill's little hands that were sitting on her knees. The shaking, under the pressure he applied with his hands, momentarily ceased and Jillian breathed in deep.

"Just know that I'm here to help you, even if it's just to stop the shaking." She smiled and stood.

Jillian stood in front of him as he reached and hugged her stomach. She held his face in her hands and kissed him, gently pushing him into a laying position on her bed, her on top of him. He returned her kiss, though there was a lot of doubt in his mind and in his heart.

"Nothing is different than before." She kissed his neck. "Jill, let's not do this now."

"A lot is different now. You didn't ask me to marry you again." He laughed. "And I feel a little different now."

"I'm not sure."

"You're one of those believers, Jagelski. Let Fate take this one."

He let go all the things that told him to stop, that this was not the time. He wanted to be close to her more than he wanted anything else; the second thing he wanted was to help her get through this rough patch that Peyton was talking about. He hoped that he wasn't just seeking pleasure, but was trying to kill two birds with one stone.

Jillian was just hoping to get Jake's mind off the fact that she didn't sleep anymore, spending every waking moment thinking about something that needed to be done. She needed the gratification that sex would bring. She was tired all the time and wanted nothing more than to be with him.

It was also sweet of him wanting to take care of her, though she knew things had gone too far for him to be able to fix it now.

* * *

Jake was drying his hair, walking down the stairs, a big grin on his face. He woke up alone in Jill's room but knew that he was not alone in the house because before stepping into the shower, he found a note on the bathroom; two stick-figures holding hands, a big heart between them. Jillian was a goof ball.

He rounded the bottom of the stairs, passing the book covered table and moving directly into the kitchen to find Jillian over the stove, scrambling eggs. She was wearing a pair of his boxers and one of his workout shirts. He loved when she wore his clothes.

He stood behind her, kissing her neck, listening to her giggle. He went and sat at the table, stealing a piece of bacon before leaving the kitchen. All the while they were in silence- Jill cooking and Jake watching her- Jake thought that this is the life. This is the life that he wanted to live more than anything.

"Sleep well last night?" Jake was indicating the books, papers, notes, and the notebooks that were scattered

Jillian smiled while she was bringing in the food, her back to Jake. "Old habits die hard." That was a no.

"Well, I guess I can forgive you since you made me breakfast." Jillian sat down and glared at Jake while he started eating. Once he noticed he stopped chewing. "What?"

"Go put a shirt on." Jake had his towel draped over his shoulder and a pair of basketball shorts on.

"I've never heard you say that to me." He laughed, though he realized she was serious. "Why?"

"We are eating." She was completely serious and it made Jake laugh.

"You are wearing my clothes, but you get to stay at the table."

"I'm dressed; you are not."

"I want my shirt back."

He moved toward her, grabbing at the bottom of the shirt in an attempt to take it off of her. She screamed and giggled in one while Jake tickled her so that she would lose her grip on her shirt.

Just as Jake was lifting Jillian out of the chair, the shirt already half off of her and Jake kissing her right behind her ear, Peyton came into the room, quickly turning around.

"Okay, bad timing." She began to walk away, her eyes shielded with her hand.

"No, we are done. Stay and eat breakfast with us."

Peyton lowered her hand as she turned around. Jillian was putting her arm back through the t-shirt and Jake ran up stairs to put a shirt on of his own.

"I can't stay really long. I know I said that I would watch Jenny all this weekend but I got to drop her off."

"That's okay, you gave us a whole day off. We needed the time alone."

"I can see that." Peyton arched her eyebrow, making Jillian laugh.

"Did something come up? Or are you spending the day with Lucas?"

"My dad called late last night to tell me that he is coming in this afternoon and I wanted to go down there and pick him up." It was easy to see that Peyton missed her dad and was happy that he was coming back.

"That's great, Pety." Jill hugged her. "Thank you again."

"I'm going to go." Peyton squeezed Jill and then started for the door just as Jake was coming back down the stairs. "I put Jenny in her playpen. Call me later and fill me in on what happened this weekend." She smiled her best fake smile she could muster while she walked out.

"That was weird." Jake shook his head. "Well, for me at least." He looked down at the first he put on because he thought Peyton was staying. "Want to pick up where we left off?"

She smiled at him. "Another time. Let's eat and then I need to work on my stuff for school."

Jake went back to his seat at the table while Jill went to the other room. He watched her walk out of the room, thinking how beautiful she looked, even though her hair was a mess and she was wearing his clothes. He always thought of that when she walked out of a room, knowing that she would re-enter and smile at him.

"Why did Peyton stop by?" Jill re-emerged in the room, carrying an alert, bouncy Jenny. "Never mind. Come here baby."

Jake pulled her high chair from the corner and placed the baby in it. He went into the kitchen and retrieved a bag of cheerios and placed a handful on the table part of the high chair. Immediately Jenny started popping them into her mouth and chasing them around the tabletop unable to grab them with her two fingers.

The minute she laid eyes on her baby, Jillian felt guilty about the night before. She couldn't believe that she could be so irresponsible again. Regret filled her heart and she felt bad because she knew that Jake didn't feel the same way. He was so happy and he felt that they did nothing wrong.

Maybe they didn't do anything wrong; Jillian didn't know. Right or wrong, they did not do the responsible thing of waiting till at least Jillian was on the pill. Jillian put on her best fake happiness look and ate her breakfast.

Jake looked over at his two girls while he poured on his syrup. They were sitting around the table like a little family does on a Sunday morning. The baby between them, the mom trying to help the baby feed herself, the dad glancing through the newspaper; this is how Jake remembered his childhood. It made him smile.

"I love you, Jilly." He smirked at her while he grabbed Jenny's cheek lightly, making her giggle and smile a couple-toothed smile. "I love you two, buggy."

Jake looked at Jill, obviously waiting for a reply. Jake knew that she loved him, but he liked to hear it anyways, just like Jillian liked to hear him say it to her as well.

"I love you too, Tubby."

She smiled at him though in her heart, she wished that maybe they loved each other a little less that they really do. That kind of love had only gotten them into trouble in the past.


	10. To Not be so Ashamed of My Mistakes

**Disclaimer**: Anything you don't recognize from the show is mine… everything else… I wish!

**thank you both for commenting!**

* * *

**To Not be so Ashamed of My Mistakes **

Peyton hung up her cell phone. Her dad had just called to say that they would be in port in fifteen minutes. Peyton pretended that she was still driving out to the pier when in reality, she had been waiting there already a half of an hour.

She didn't want to be late, even if it meant sitting there. She wanted to see her dad walk off the boat just like she would do when she was younger.

Peyton felt bad about all the things she had said to Lucas when she found out about her dad getting back home. She tried to mask it by telling herself that Lucas had no idea what it was like to have one parent dead and the other gone all the time. Her dad coming home was a big deal to her, because even though he wasn't home much, she was still close to him and he was her only parent, her only protector. He had his mom full time and always had. She caulked it up to him not able to understand the situation.

He had wanted to come along with her to pick up her dad so she wouldn't have to drive alone the long distance to the port they were coming in. Peyton told him that she didn't want him along, though before she could explain it clearly, Lucas got upset, saying that she didn't plan on telling her dad about their relationship. It was partly true; she didn't plan on telling him about her and Lucas. It wasn't because she didn't want to, it was because they have so little time together, she hated to have to talk about Luke.

She told that to Luke and that made it worse. They got into an argument and he left, without a resolution. It didn't weigh heavy on Peyton, nonetheless; her dad was coming home. That was more important than a little argument.

Then running into the foreplay of Jake and Jill didn't help her feelings toward Lucas either. She saw how happy they were together and instantaneously felt immensely jealous. It was her that he would chase around the house before they fell into bed together, not Jill.

Well at least, it was Jillian before Peyton, but Peyton remembered that Jake gave up on Jill to pursue something with her. Though, before this moment, Peyton never realized he gave up on her to be back with Jill.

Jillian was the only person she really felt close to anymore, but it hurt to have to see her with the happiness that Peyton use to have. The happiness that she still wanted in her life. And it hurt that for some reason, she couldn't tell her about not really loving Lucas.

The time must have slipped away from her because before she knew it, she saw her father walking down the wooden pier toward her car, some of his coworkers alongside him. She noticed that he had already made a few trips off of the boat, placing tools and other stuff from the boat onto the dock. By the time she noticed they were in, he was making his way from the dock his bag over his shoulder.

He was finally home. She hadn't spoken to him in over a month and she couldn't believe that he was standing there. She didn't know why, but she thought of her mother when she saw him walking toward the car. Her mother would have wanted her husband to stay close to home to be with Peyton, that she knew, but she also knew that her mother would also be happy with this scene; a daughter waiting for her father.

She got out of the drivers seat and greeted him with a hug. "Hey, Daddy."

He smiled a wide toothed grin that everyone knew him for. "Daddy?"

"I missed you." Peyton let go of her father so that he could throw his bags in the trunk of her car. "I didn't hear from you for so long..." She let her sentence trail off; they never liked to talk about the hazards of his job. "I didn't know if something was wrong..."

"Don't you worry about that, baby, I'm going to be home for a while now."

Peyton relaxed in the passenger's seat, her feet on the dashboard. "I hope you're not expecting me to hold my breath."

He started the car, waving to his friends on the job as they drove by. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You said the last time you came home you would stay for awhile. How long did that last?"

He responded, guilt lacing his words. "Two weeks."

"Two weeks isn't a long time in my book. That and you never called me. When I was younger, you called all the time; at least three times a week. I didn't hear from you for weeks."

"What do you want me to stay?" He looked at Peyton as he turned onto the highway. All Peyton could do was shrug her shoulders. "Lets' not argue ten minutes after we see each other, how about we just focus on the future. How's Jake?"

Peyton winced at the name. She just realized that he father was way behind on her love life. He returned and left so quickly, Peyton had broken up with Jake right after he left. She didn't want to explain her love life to her dad, including the heartbreak she felt with Jake. It was just easier to move onto another person that would take her mind off of Jake.

This was going to be a long car ride home.

* * *

"Your math book might as well be surgically attached to one of her hands, Jilly."

Jill heard only part of his insult; she was absorbed into the material she was reading.

"What'd you say, Jake?"

She looked from her page to look over at Jake feeding Jenny some yellow baby food, unrecognizably mashed to Jillian. She made a face as she glanced upon the substance on the spoon Jake was holding out to their daughter. He smiled.

"Hey, she likes and doesn't spit it all up. That's fine with me."

He saw her smile but it quickly faded as she placed her nose back into her Calculus book. He felt a little silly being jealous of a book. She was constantly doing schoolwork and now that business was picking up at the bookstore, she couldn't even work on her school stuff there. She was spending less time not only with Jake, but with Jenny as well.

"So what did you guys do this weekend?" Jake was snapped back into reality once he realized that he mother was talking to him. "I hate when your father's work takes us away from home, but I hope it wasn't too terrible. You both had to work and you had that paper right?"

Jilly looked over her book to glance at Jake who was returning the stare. They both told her that they had to work and that there was so much to do that they doubted they would be home at the same time. That was the only reason that they would let them stay home alone for an entire weekend.

Alice was half tempted to get her mother to stay with them but she knew that they weren't average teenagers. They were more mature and responsible that most kids in their twenties. She didn't worry about coming home to a trashed house.

"We mostly did schoolwork." That was the first lie that Jill were to tell. The second being. "We watched movies when we weren't busy."

"We went down to the arcade and played air hockey." Jillian nodded in agreement, knowing that Jake never liked lying to him mother.

"That's great. You didn't take Jenny with you, did you?"

They both looked at each other again; a telltale sign to Alice that they were unsure how to answer, that they might be trying to cover up something.

"No, Peyton wanted to spend some time with Jen." Jake was cleaning up Jenny, trying to leave the room from being nervous about his mother's probing questions.

"What day did you say you worked, Jake?"

He was rinsing off some dishes, hoping that he didn't hear her ask what he thought he heard. He hated lying to her, but Jillian wasn't coming to the rescue so he had to keep lying.

Frank sat down at the table next to his granddaughter, his newspaper in one hand while he played with Jenny. Jenny's giggles were heard over the conversation between mother and son and they both stopped to admire the musical noise.

"I worked a double on Saturday. Karen really needed my help."

"Oh well, she wanted me to tell you something. See, I ran into her last night when we drove by and she wanted me to tell you that she hopes that you and Jenny feel better soon and if you need more time off, she understands." Jake glanced in from the kitchen to look at Jillian who had put the book down on the table. "Why don't you two tell me the truth."

"I told you they weren't responsible enough to be left home alone, Alice. I know they are very mature for their age, but after all, they are still teenagers."

"Nothing happened, Dad, we just hung around the house. I called in sick so that we could spend the day together with Jenny."

"Oh." Alice looked at her husband; they were both satisfied with the answer.

They all settled onto what they were doing before the interrogation; Frank reading the paper with Jenny holding onto his finger and giggling, Alice eating her own breakfast, Jillian reading out of her book. Jake couldn't stand the guilt of having to lie to his parents any longer.

"I'm sorry Jilly, but I can't do this anymore. We didn't spend the day with Jenny. We spent the day together, we went out on a date."

"You are doing what?" Frank placed his paper down as his wife dropped her spoon in her bowl, making a loud clanging sound that caught Jenny's attention. "How long has this been going on?" It was Frank's turn to ask the questions.

Jill avoided their eyes so Jake answered as he walked back into the room. "Almost three months now."

Alice sighed. She was completely out of the loop on this one. She looked at Jillian. "I asked you if there was anything going on since Jake broke up with Peyton and you told me no. I asked you and you said that if anything were to happen, you would tell me because I have a right to know what is going on in my own house."

"I know, I'm sorry."

"You live with him, Jillian. You two have loved each other for a long time, but I can't do certain things knowing that you two are dating. Are you two responsible enough to handle this type of situation when there are so many things in your life-"

"I'm going to the doctor Wednesday so that I'm on birth control."

Frank, Jake, and Alice all made exasperated grunting noises.

"When I said responsible, I meant, work, school, your daughter, not sex." She laughed, annoyed. "Are you two already having sex?"

They both avoided her eyes. She could do nothing but laugh again.

"Are you trying to get pregnant again? Are you two not thinking of the consequences?"

"Go to school." Frank was getting up from the table. "We will talk about this later."

Alice wasn't happy with his command. "No, we need to talk about this now."

"Don't make them late for class." He looked at the two of them. "Go, I'll drop off Jenny today on my way to work."

They were in the car on the way to school before anything else was said.

"Wow," Jake stated. "could that have gone any worse?" He glanced over at her; she was sitting with her arms crossed over her chest, not responding to his question. "What's wrong?"

"I don't really want to talk to you right now."

"I know we should have talked about it before we told them-"

"Yeah, you're right we should have. Too late now."

"So what, they're mad at us for awhile."

"You might not mind having a mom pissed off at you, but her opinion of me matters more than that. So thank you."

Jake sighed. This was going to be a long car ride to school.

* * *

"Not that I don't mind giving you a ridefrom school since you've been so busy lately and never spend time with me, but why am I giving you a ride?"

"Jake was busy."

"Okay, now that you got the bullshit out of the way, try telling me the truth."

Jillian looked at Peyton, laughing, knowing that Peyton knew better. Both girls got out of Peyton's car while Jillian got Jenny out from the backseat.

"We had a fight." Peyton took out Jenny from her car seat, bouncing her as they walked behind Jillian.

"About what?"

Jillian put her stuff and Jenny's diaper bag behind the counter and took a pile of used books that were waiting for her to come into work to be stocked. Peyton followed Jillian as she stocked the books in her own code, knowing where every book was located. Peyton, full of curiosity, wanted to know what had happened.

"Jake told his parents that we've been together and his mom freaked out."

"I can't believe he would do that out of the blue to you! He must be able to understand that you love his mom."

"I love having her approval and I don't think we do. I really care about what she thinks of me, my own mother never gave a damn about me, and he doesn't see that."

"I'm sorry, Jilly, but I think it'll work itself out."

"Yeah well, I accidentally told his mother we are having sex again so you might want to retract that statement."

Jillian continued walking down one of the aisles while Peyton stopped, a smirk on her face. Jillian turned around to see Peyton fall to the floor, Jenny still in her arms, while she laughed, her cheeks turning pink. Peyton noticed that Jill was staring.

"You got to admit that it is funny." Peyton stood once she saw that Jill did not find it funny. "But it must feel pretty good to be back together, together, if you get what I'm saying."

"I guess." Jillian got quiet.

"You don't sound so sure." Peyton, though she still felt strongly for Jake and really didn't like butting in too much on their relationship, was worried about Jillian considering how down she was.

"Thinking about it, I know we shouldn't have done it. We should have waited."

"Did you tell Jake this?"

"Yeah, I'm going to go right up to him and say 'I love you, but sleeping with you, that was a huge mistake and I regret it. Every time I think about it, dear, I want to throw up and go to church.' And you know how I feel about church."

Jillian walked down the aisle to go to the counter and check on where the book she was holding was supposed to go on the shelf when she realized that Jake had walked into the store. By the look on his face, Jillian could tell that he had heard every word she said. She moved a step closer to him to explain that she didn't mean it, figure out some lie to tell him about what she really meant, but he was already moving to walk out the door.

"Jake, wait."

Jillian ran out the door to catch up with Jake.

"I came to make sure you got to work okay. I came to apologize for Jesus' sake and, and..." His fists were clenched but no words would come out of his mouth.

"Don't be mad at me, Jake-"

"I'm not mad." Jillian had to practically run to keep up with Jake. "I'm a little pissed but I'm more wounded than anything."

"I'm so sorry."

"Don't say it, don't say you're sorry for the truth."

Jillian stopped trying to keep up with him but opted to cry in the middle of the sidewalk. Jake realized that she was no longer chasing him, so he turned around.

"But I have something to say to you. I just want you to know that there is a lot in my life that I've regretted; a hell of a lot of stuff that I've done. But I can honestly say, no wait, I can promise you, that none of it had anything to do with you, with us, and with Jenny. Never."

He continued walking and Jill didn't bother to keep chasing after him. His words hurt her more than the what she had done to him.


	11. I Have No Ground to Hold

**Disclaimer**: Anything you don't recognize from the show is mine… everything else… I wish!

holy crap chick! I'm sorry to hear about your arm. I hope it heals fast! It sucks not being able to do the things you need to do with just one arm

* * *

**I Have No Ground to Hold**

Her sketch book resting against her thighs as she curled up on a pillow next to her window, her Killers CD barely at an audible level, Peyton drew her father's car in the driveway. Of all the sights she would love to have, of all the beautiful views that she would want to be see out her bedroom window, that was one of her favorites. It meant that she wasn't alone anymore, at least not alone for a little length of time.

"You're up pretty early." She looked up from her book to see her father standing in the doorway.

"I knew you get up early. I wanted to see if you wanted to go out for breakfast before I need to head off for school."

"Sounds good." There was a slight sound of disbelief in his voice. "Hey, you wouldn't happen to know where my daughter is, do you?"

He walked over to the window to look out at what she was drawing. Peyton, rolling her eyes at his comment, threw the book on the window seat as she moved to her bathroom to check her hair in the mirror. He looked down at the book, moving it so he could look at it right side-up, sighing at how his daughter's talents always amazed him. He was amazed, regardless of the fact that she always seemed to use this talent to depict sad things.

Peyton walked out of the bathroom, turned off the music and started for the door, her dad still standing by the window, peering out.

"Grab a jacket. It's going to be a little chilly today."

He wasn't adapted to telling her what to do, nor was Peyton really prepared to her father being fatherly. But she liked having him around, telling her little things like that. She never had him around to help her tie her shoes, or help her ride a bike. This little gesture meant the world to her.

"Not that I'm complaining, but what happened to you while I was gone?"

Peyton gingerly cut through a stack of pancakes and forked the syrupy load to carry to her mouth. "What do you mean?"

"You promise to not hold anything I say against me or to give me the legendary Peyton eye-roll?"

She almost relented and gave an eye roll at just the mere suggestion, but she held back, chuckling and shaking her head.

"Again, I'm not complaining, but usually when I come back home you usually go about your day like I'm still on the ship. You don't usually work anything around me, and all of sudden, we are doing things together."

"That's not true." She said while she sipped her coffee.

"Usually after a day or two you seem so bored to have me around the house. I know you wish I was back out so you can have the house to yourself again."

"That's the farthest thing from the truth and you know it."

He couldn't argue because he really had no idea what was going on in her head; he never really knew what she was thinking, from the time she was a little girl. He tried to let on that he understood his child, though he knew Peyton could see right through him.

"I guess I act like that because I know that you aren't staying for long, no matter what you say. It's just easier to keep my routine down because you're going to be gone soon anyways."

He felt guilty. He bit his tongue though, not trying to make any promises about coming home this time. He already told her that he was staying home for awhile but it could change at any moment and he knew that she was right; he had a habit of leaving her in disappointment.

"What's different this time then?"

Peyton wasn't sure herself really. She knew that she was lonely, but why did she need her father to be home so badly? She opted to tell him the truth.

"Because I'm pretty lonely without a dad around."

He seemed so confused. "You never told me this before. You had Jake and all your friends, it seemed like you didn't need me around."

"I don't expect you to understand it; I know that my friends don't. Sometimes I feel like I didn't just lose a mom in that accident." She avoided looking at her father and the guilt she knew he carried around with him. "Wow, I'm going to be late if I don't take off." She took her jacket from the back of her chair. She leaned over the table and kissed her father's cheek.

He nodded, not saying anything. Peyton didn't know if it upset him, if he was hurt, or if he felt responsible for Peyton feeling the way she did. She would find out later how he felt; it felt good for Peyton to be able to tell her dad something she held inside her heart for so long. She felt liberated.

"Is it because of Jake?" She turned around to see her father pushing his food away from in front of himself.

She knew it was true and that is what confused her. She must be transparent if her father could decipher that it was the underlying problem. She only nodded before exiting out of the restaurant.

Her feeling of liberation held on a brief moment before dropping out of existence.

* * *

The alarm was sounding for the third time. Jillian decided the best method to get the little box from sounding once again was to stop hitting the snooze and just turn it off.

Some time later, Alice knocked lightly on the door; Jillian did not stir.

"It's time to get up Jilly." No response. "You need to get up or you'll be late for school."

Jillian might have said something, but all that came out was a mumbled mess.

"Are you not feeling good?" There was something Jill could understand. She did feel like she got ran over twenty times.

"I think I'm staying home."

All the words were legible. She turned her head back over and rested her face on the cool surface. Alice moved her hair out of her face and felt the back of her neck; she was sweating while the room was chilled.

"I have to leave for work. You should get an appointment with the doctor; you're burning up. I'm going to take Jenny with me. "

Alice closed the door lightly as she left.

Jillian knew how mad and disappointed Alice was in her and she thought maybe her symptoms were psychosomatic.

She turned over onto her back. Jake. They didn't really talk since that day in the bookstore and it killed her to be like that. She apologized over and over again but still he continued to be angry with her. She knew he was angry just to cover up how hurt he was. She could read Jake like a magazine.

Jillian hobbled as best she could to the bathroom while she dragged the thick blanket she had draped over her shoulders. She headed straight for the medicine cabinet, seeking out some sort of remedy to cure her symptoms.

Jake could see her searching through the cabinet from his doorway, almost certain that she had no idea he could see her. He saw her turn on the faucet, fill a glass more than half way. He continued watching as she extracted a pill out of this bottle, a pill out of another bottle, then two out of the last bottle before she replaced all the bottles. She threw back her head, swallowing the pills as she gulped down the tap water.

Jake moved back into his room, pretending to just walk out as she walked down the hall to her own room. They crossed paths, the two meeting with their eyes.

"Are you staying home?"

Jake looked away though he knew she was nodding.

"Leave me a voicemail if I need to pick up Jenny."

She said nothing in response but just stood there. Jake decided to make his way downstairs and grab some breakfast he could eat on the way to school. He took two steps toward the stairs when he heard a thud behind him. Turning around, he saw Jillian lying in the hallway, her eyes closed.

He ran over and lifted her head and shoulders, resting them against his leg. He rubbed her cheek, hoping that she would open her eyes, though she didn't, he knew she was okay.

Jake carried her back into her bed, gently putting her down. Feeling her forehead, he felt that she had a fever. He put a cold washrag on her head, waiting for her to open her eyes.

Jake thought for a moment that maybe she fainted because of the pills she took. He didn't have the chance to see what she was taking. She didn't have a migraine; he could tell.

He left her room, silently going into the bathroom and opening the cabinet with as little noise as he could muster. Jake never really had any reason to go through the cabinet because he did not keep any of his things in there; it was all Jillian's.

Never realizing how many pills Jillian kept, Jake found himself turning little prescription bottle after little prescription bottle to read the labels of each. Half the names, he couldn't pronounce, nonetheless, he realized that there might be a problem.

Jake remembered going with her to get a prescription for one medication; he found the bottle and read the instructions. The bottle said to take two a day and he also remembered that the day she got the pills was fifteen days previously.

He emptied the contents of the bottle and started counting. Jake got all the way to fifteen without realizing that Jillian was standing right behind him.

"What are you doing?"

He froze in place; there was no hiding what he was doing, no explanation or excuse to place in for his actions. Jillian moved around to his side while he thought of how much he was in trouble.

"I was just getting something to give you since you collapsed..."

"Save it." She snatched the pill bottle out of his hand, peering in to look at the empty bottle. "Snooping through my pills? It's a low grade to help with the pain."

"There should be more in here than there is." It was such a small statement but it sent here over the edge anyways.

"Are you counting my medication?"

She pushed Jake out of in front of the cabinet, spilling all the bottles onto the sink with one swing of her hand. He piled the pills in his hands on the counter with the bottles.

"Want to check all these bottles, too? Hey, look at my allergy pills to make sure I'm not doubling up to get a fix."

"I'm just looking because you fell over and I thought maybe it was something you took."

"Stop being so concerned about me. I can handle this."

Jake reached over, placing his hand on her shoulder, of which she immediately shrugged off. He grimaced, knowing that only hours before it was he that was the angry one and Jillian was begging for forgiveness.

He knew what he had to say would hurt but he had to say it.

"That's why I'm looking, Jilly. I know you can't handle it." She started to walk away but he caught her arm and held on tightly. "It's not your fault, you can't help it."

"You are being a real asshole right now. You don't know what it is like to have to do everything and be perfect for everyone. I'm in so much pain all the time and if you had any knowledge of how it really felt, you wouldn't butt in like this."

"You're right, I don't know your pain, but there is no excuse for abusing your drugs. I can help you."

Jill was turning her anger into tears quicker than she could realize. "I just want the pain to stop. And I'm not abusing them. I don't mean to take too much. It still gives you no right."

She was still holding onto her guns, adamant about being mad at Jake. He always loved that quality she had.

"Well after the last time-"

The tears had suspended once she heard Jake say those five words. "Don't finish that sentence, or I swear to God-"

"Jillian, it wasn't your fault that it happened. You needed to be on the caffeine pills for the migraines, everyone understood that you had trouble sleeping and the shakes because of it but it was your mom's fault that you got hooked."

"Stop it. It was all me."

"No it wasn't. She was the one that told you to use it for more than just when you felt the migraines coming on. She was the one that told you your grades had to be perfect, you have to do everything for her and taking those pills was the only way to ensure it."

"Stop it." She started pounding her fists on his chest but it didn't phase him any. Jake knew that she was angry at her mother, not him. She stopped punching him, molding into sobs, resting her head on his chest and crying into his shirt.

"No. I'm not going to let you do this to yourself."

Jillian was quiet for a moment. "She was right though."

Jake pulled away to look at her face. "How do you mean?"

"I can't do it all without those pills."

She held out her hands. He realized the shakes were from the pills from last night, but only now did he see how bad the shaking was. She couldn't even hold her arms steady because she the shaking was worsening.

"It'll be okay."

He held onto her, bringing her down onto the bathroom floor after he sat down leaning his back against the sink. She sat collapsed onto Jake as she cried. She had no idea how Jake would make the situation better.

All she knew was that she couldn't stop.

Not even for Jake.


End file.
